(Note Kris if your reading this, I am waning you now that you prabebly shouldn't as I pertains to you and me and I know how much you don't like to hear to talk or read about such things so for your own peace of mind. either don't read this or do so at no fault to me. You have been warned.)



I'm beginning to bileve I have some very powerful enemys. Who just might be as equaly crul as I am. Why do I say this one might ask. Because the nightmares have come back again. Please give me a moment to explain. One of the reasons as to why it is so hard for me to let anyone I truely love go is becasue thay haunt me. I see someone who looks like them and my heart jumps into my thought. Even when I know it can't possibly be them. Or I get dreams/nightmares where I'm with them doing something wonderful, something small. it's usually just holding hands with them or them touchimg me in some comforting manner. but then I wake up and there miles away living lives that have nothing to do with me and never will no matter how many tears or prayers or how good or bad I am. It just gets to be so empty. It doesn't matter how much I try to forget or move on. Thay still haunt me. I will admit I sucseeded in leting go of my first love. I havn't had any dreams about her or anything to do with her for years now. But I almost died geting to that point and I wasn't nearly as close to her as I was to my second love, who was at one point my fiance. So last night I experienced two dreams. I usually don't get more then one a night. I guess someone had it out for me. Any way the first dream started with me in a wallmart. I can't remember what I was doing there or who I was with but while I was there I ran into her. she was suprisingly happy to see me. She showed no researve in empracing me. We started kissing and we fell to the floor. I began undoing my pants as I continued to kiss her. I don't remember what she was wearing, only that I then struggled to get her panties off. I think that not long after that I did begin to assurt...or rather insert myself with her. but then she stoped me. We both got up off the floor and walked a few feet away. She said that she couldn't cheat on her husband. Even though we both could feel how much we loved one another. I them spoke to her "Please... He cheated with you on me." "No he didn't" she replied I can't remember if I argued with her more then that. I do remember though that at that point it was my goal to get to to admit having cheated on me. In real life I know she kissed him and that he continuely made moves on her while she was engaged to me. I know this because she told me about it. To what digree things went I honestly don't know. she says it was only one time. But I'm not entirely convinced. However that is just my personal memorys and feeling on the subject. to be honest I have avoided thinking on it for quit some time. It just goe's to show that nothing ever truely ends with me. weather I want it too or not. but more on that after I explain the second dream. The second dream wasn't actually about her as much as it just had her invade it so to speak. The events in the dream where minesqule all I remember about her was that she was at my home with me and that I had this overwhelming feeling that having her in my presence made it possible for us to be together agian. It felt so real. it felt as if it was something I could just reach out and take. like and apple on a tree. However, I then woke up and remembered that she is married in huwaii and pregnant. I know that in many ways this will never truely end for me. The best I can hope for is for someone I truely love to truely love me back and for us to one day be marryed and start a family. I think if that could happen really happen. Then and only then could the last remnants of my soul let go. Then I could caderise the wound for good. I hate haveing to admit to being like this. I wonder everyday if it will ever go away. If I'll stop hurting. When she told me she was pregnant. I said congradulations. I never showed an ounce of sadness to her. But as I sat here in front of my compurter I pent at least 20minute crying on the phone to one of my best freinds about it. ME CRYING! those who have known me long enough know how hard it is for me to cry. She herself I bileve only seen me cry on one occasion. But enough I have to go work out now. there is but one thng left I want to say. I write this becasue I feel it needs to be done. I don't do it for sympathy from her or to get her attention becasue I know it won't work and I know now that even if it did she still wouldn't leave him for me because she's pregnant. So I forcus harder on the warriors path and I move forward. AS that is all I can do.
sincerly The Lonesome Warrior
aka The Vampyre Valek O Dragao